In praise of North Wheezy

N.B: “North Wheezy” (North West Easy) is the traditional name for North West London (i.e. anywhere with an NW postcode). As such, the term was used to denote areas like “Willy G” (Willesden Green), the bulk of Metroland, and “The ‘Burb” (HGS, or Hampstead Garden Suburb as it is otherwise known). Recently however, rude boys, adept at altering English, have begun using the phrase to signify all of North London – i.e. all areas north of Zone One (otherwise known as “the Smoke”), and it is in this sense that the term should be understood in the context of this piece...

As any Londoner worth their salt knows, the way to see our city is not by “horse and cart,” i.e. Oyster Card, which holds you hostage to the public transportation system and the “hay” (i.e. wedge) in your wallet, but by our trusty steeds - our eco-friendly, tree-hugging bicycles! And as any recyclist (i.e. cycolumnist) worth their salt knows, the best thing about cycling is bombing it down hills.

My favourite rides involve the steepest, most exhilarating hills in North Wheezy. For maximum pleasure, rides should be done in the nude. The only thing better than bombing it down hills is doing so in the buff (as the above image demonstrates).

A typical tour begins at one of London’s classic interchanges: Finsbury Park, say. Ride through the park until you reach the start of Haringey’s Parkland Walk - a disused rail line complete with extinct stations which now serves as London’s narrowest green space. It was along this route that steamers hauled weekenders to the “People’s Palace” (Alexandra Palace, or “Ally Pally”). When I did this ride with a friend at night we zipped like phantoms past ghost stations and the backs of terraced houses, breathing in the smell of coal, which still hangs faintly in the air in winter.

After tearing up Highgate Woods, gaze in wonder at the Palace in the Clouds. Peer down and see London splayed beneath you like the legs of some old whore. Then, remounting your chariot, prepare for a leg breaker. If you survive the ascent to Muswell Hill you’ve straightforward turf ahead till Highgate, where you’ll receive compensation for your efforts.

Science tells us that what goes up must come down, but as you whiz down Highgate West spare a thought for the packhorses that used to schlep carriages up this monster. The Victorians used to beat them round their eyes to make them run after they’d left their stables in Camden Town and struck off northward - but they slowed down climbing this baby.

Let go of your breaks. Exult in the adrenalin rush. You are now on the cusp of Hampstead Heath, with its muntjac deer, parakeets, and sheer weight of biomass. Ah, those fields, lakes, and brooks, they make me proud to be from North Wheezy. Indeed, who need venture south of the river? Everything you need is here.